more than a black sissy. IM SCHOOL BOY realness

SCHOOL BOY REALNESS

Im not sad. Im having a direct and mindful experience in the optical delusion of my conciousness knowing seperateness and feeling as a singularity in the quantum void. Einstein said some cool shit like that once.  He was like Miles Davis without a horn. And its not the despair I experienced being seperated from society while in prison. And that to me is like a secular death where I waited balefully to be ressurected and at times speaking from the red clay gnat limned barbed mausoleum while interred conversations were very much akin to whispered vespers from and to loved ones. And the most remarkably disheartning thing is that  in that place that is still in the world just invisibled with did I only get to really ever witness racism as something that can be quantified on a scale of power derived by the collective number of people singularly similar because of race and sex with the ability to deny other people not part of that cohort access to services and denial of humanity /dignity. I was denied the ability to freely socialize  matriculate and reside with anyone other than my own folk, the sissies. What I considered a non relevant personality facet had become all that I was. Every thing else I considered more significant and charming was diffused and burned away through that lense. And now I realize why that felt as close to living death as did my singular focus when I was in active addiction. Im a type 4 on the enneagram and so for a year I lived in a white two piece with crocs as a sissy in a paupers grave. Being born in death complete sans pinebox just put me in the red clay deep. And in this picture I can see the indelible mark of silence when one feels dead all alone. Each day is better because I dont do the same shit that used to feed my self centered self piteous ego. Its still there ready to thaw if I take heed in attachment to the chorus the script that was crafted before I knew to Whom I belonged. So I practice non attachment and prayer. I ve noticed that the only time something outside of being useful to me now has strength is when I grab hold to it lending my energy spirit force to it as it readily calls my power its own. The devil is a lie .

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